02 August

Hmm. I think I've turned into someone who isn't very nice, someone the old me would not like. I get so moody and pissed off all the time, it's so frustrating because I don't want to be like that, but I can't seem to help it. It's worst with my parents, I guess I just don't want to turn into them but that doesn't mean I can be so vicious to them. I'm worried I'm going to steadily become more and more of a bad person until, some time along the line, I will be a bitter and cruel person with no one left to care about me. I mean, I have no right to be like this. I'm trying really hard to not be so pissy with my friends but there is a couple of them, who have been kind to me, who I'm being a bitch to. I'm just trying so hard to act like normal all the time that it's making me so tired. Not saying that I'm not being myself, of course. I'm just trying to revert to myself before....well, before a lot of things. I miss the carefree happiness I had such a very short time ago. Now I can still be happy, of course, but it doesn't feel the same, because there is always an edge to my thoughts. An edge which cuts in deep sometimes. And the sad thing is I know this is my fault. If I was a stronger person I would not have this problem. If I was better at coping with the things life throws at me it would be easier to be my old self. I don't know, I just wish a lot of things hadn't happened. And I wish that I didn't do a lot of the thing I do now. But oh well, I'm sure things will get better =] I mean I've gone through the same sort of thing before, perhaps not as bad but the same situation, and I got through that. So I'll get through this. I have to, for everyone's sake because I am trying to be myself for all the people I love and care about. And because I'm trying for them, I think it will be easier. :)