Random thoughts that need to get out

Blame is a weird thing. It's rarely justified, usually useless and generally a cause for pain. It's also strange how it can be over shadowed by stronger emotions. Love, for instance. Love can't take blame away, but it can redirect it, if you see what I mean. If you love someone, and know them so well, good and bad, it can be very difficult to blame them for something that is hurting you. It's easier to lay the blame at someone elses feet, perhaps the person that they hurt you with. Or your own feet. It isn't fair, it isn't justifiable, but it's simpler than having to look at the person you love and see what they did and know it was their fault. What happens when you stop loving someone? Well, in my opinion, you never stop loving someone, so I'll put it this way instead: what happens when you love someone less? Or you stop loving someone in a certain way? I don't know. And, being a human, the unknown scares me so I'd rather not find out.

Infidelity is also a curious thing. Something that I'm sure no one wants to go through, which I have experienced twice now. The first time, it hurt me. Badly. And the second time, it has broken me. It has changed some of my perspective. For example, I now hate myself. Which some people may consider strange, and they would maybe say that surely I shouldn't hate myself, but the person who did this to me? Well, I do not hate the person who has inflicted this on me for a second time. No matter what he has done to me I know that he is not a bad person, and I know that he feels bad for what he did. So no, I don't hate him. He's my best friend and I can't hate him. But I can hate myself. I look at myself and think, why shouldn't he have done that? I mean, what I am to stay faithful to? And I suppose, it's easier to think that I did something wrong, something to deserve what happened, than to think that there was no reason for it, no reason for this pain.