31 August

(8)It Made Me Learn To Hate You, Or Hate Myself For Letting It Pass By(8)

22 August

Today's been okay, had Mahri over last night which was fun :). Got a phone call this morning and I now have a Saturday job at the bakers, I'm cheesing :). Arranged meeting up with my friend Nathan from Edinburgh, going up next Saturday, should be awesome =].

I'm seeing my friend Graham on Thursday as well, really looking forward to it cos I'm promised a big hug :)

Broke up with Rory yesterday, felt bad about it but he seemed completely fine so it's all good. Really shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place, I mean what's the point when I'm in love someone else yeah. God that makes me sound so sad....ah well.

Was out last night with Keeta, Ash, Corrie and Mahri, it was banter =] we did fuck all really but I do love being out with everyone :)

Today was okay but I still feel a bit strange, I mean its weird, I'm fine when I'm with people aka when I'm distracted but when I'm on my own I just start thinking and thinking and it gets me down because I go over all the things in my head which make me feel worse but I can't stop myself, it's really quite depressing lol. Ah well, just need to keep myself distracted eh :P

21 August

It's two in the morning and I can't sleep so I thought I'd give a little update, lucky lucky blogger. Don't actually know what to say to be honest, I've been thinking a lot tonight but I don't really want to share. God this is so counterproductive lol. Just bored I suppose. Downloading shit loads of Secondhand Serenade songs, I love them :) even if they are a little bit depressing sometimes lol. Maybe that's why I like them, I'm a pure emo at heart XD. Anyways I'm offski, this is quite possibly one of the shortest proper blogs I've written in a while lol. Byeseybye :)

19 August

Ughhh back at school, hate it lol. Almost all the teachers have been going on about the prelims in November, no pressure huh lol. I'll be major stressed when the time comes, its bad enough now lol. I have been bored as hell in class cos I've run out of free texts, lmao. Get more tomorrow though so it's all good =D.

It's weird how loads of stuff is changing, Ashleigh and Keeta have both left school now, Ash is starting college on Thursday actually, hope it goes well for her :). It's quite strange that it'll be people the same age as me leaving next year though, lol. Bit scary actually, lol. I'm maybe getting a job as well, which'll be awesome cos I need the money, saving for a lot of shit lol. Just working Saturday mornings in the baker but I hope I get it =D.

Anyways, enough for now cos I have nothing else to say, lol. Write soon xx

14 August

Awh today was pretty good, was supposed to be getting the twenty past eleven bus into Gala to go shopping with Keeta, Mahri and Joss but I slept in til half eleven so I had to get a later one, lol. Trust me to sleep in on one of the only days I actually have to get up =P. Shopping was good though, got some smexy socks, make up and a cookie monster top :) it's awesome, lmao. Also got shit tons of muchies, lol. My eating's been a bit screwed up recently, along with my sleeping which sucks, lol. Ah god back to school on Tuesday :S kill me now lol. Honestly cannot be arsed, lmao. Was hanging out with my sister for a bit when I got back which was good, she's down for a bit ya see :).

Went into Peebles yesterday with Eilidh to see Rory cos he asked me out and I wanted to see how it went. It was pretty good and I had a laugh so I told him yes :). It'll be kind of weird since I'm used to either being single or in a distance relationship but I think it should be okay. And it'll be good being in something not too serious, don't think I could take it atm to be honest, which sucks a bit but oh well eh =P. But I dunno, it seems to have given my battered ego a little bit of a boost so it's pretty good =].

09 August

Having one of my downer days (I get far too many of them it seems, haha) so I'm just sitting in the house alone looking at stuff that makes it worse, I'm very clever like that. Fucking knackered as well cos I didn't sleep properly the night before last, the shadows under my eyes are massive. Watching the Kerrang awards on TV, yay Bullet For My Valentine got best British band =). I'll maybe call Mahri and arrange to see her...but maybe not, I don't know if I'm in the mood for being with people if you see what I mean. Ah well eh XD lol. I've always been sociable like that =P. Ech 9 days until school starts up again, I'm going to die lol. Prelims in November, eep! Scary shit, doesn't seem like that long ago that I was just starting high school and now I'm like more than half way through it.

I have been considering my options for after I leave school. For quite some time I've wanted to train to be a medical doctor but I've been thinking and I don't think I'm committed enough to it to train for five years, you know? I don't think I want it enough. So I'm thinking of maybe doing psychology, because it has always fascinated me. It's very difficult to be good at it apparently and I'd need to find a university which does a good course in it too. I'm not sure if anywhere in Scotland does good psychology courses so I'll have to find out. I think I'll have a look at some universities in England as well. I'm dying to get out of this town to be honest so the further away the better. It's just so monotonous here and I can't stand it, I'll go crazy, lol.

But anyway, enough for now me thinks. Byee x

07 August

Haha thought I'd better put in a reasonably cheerful blog entry XD

Awh yesterday was pretty good, went into Edinburgh with Mahri and Declan. We went to Pizza Hut (I took advantage of the full length mirror in the bathrooms there and took pictures with Mahri XD camera whore? Me? I think not mate, lol) Then we went shopping for a bit, the things you find on Cockburn street I tell ya XD. Got a poster about weed to piss my mummy off, not put it up yet but I think she'll eat me when I do XD it'll be worth it though, lol. We then sat in Princes Street Garden for a bit before going to the cinema to see a film called The Ugly Truth (rom-com, pretty good actually). Then we sat in Princes Street Gardens again. My fascination with this place has nothing to do with the hot emo guys I saw there. Nothing at all okay XD. On the bus back I was on one of my downers (god that makes me sound like a drug addict XD) so I was pretty quiet and kinda snappy tbh, god I can be a bitch sometimes, haha. Had to get off in Peebles though cos Declan was desperate for a piss, god sakes lol. Then it was homeward for us and I stayed up until 3 this morning texting and writing in my notebook, lol. And being on bebo and msn obviously =P

The kettle's broken so I can't have any tea or coffee =( it's another blow, lmao.

I have wotsits for breakfast ;]

05 August

I don't think he ever loved me to be honest.

Random thoughts that need to get out

Blame is a weird thing. It's rarely justified, usually useless and generally a cause for pain. It's also strange how it can be over shadowed by stronger emotions. Love, for instance. Love can't take blame away, but it can redirect it, if you see what I mean. If you love someone, and know them so well, good and bad, it can be very difficult to blame them for something that is hurting you. It's easier to lay the blame at someone elses feet, perhaps the person that they hurt you with. Or your own feet. It isn't fair, it isn't justifiable, but it's simpler than having to look at the person you love and see what they did and know it was their fault. What happens when you stop loving someone? Well, in my opinion, you never stop loving someone, so I'll put it this way instead: what happens when you love someone less? Or you stop loving someone in a certain way? I don't know. And, being a human, the unknown scares me so I'd rather not find out.

Infidelity is also a curious thing. Something that I'm sure no one wants to go through, which I have experienced twice now. The first time, it hurt me. Badly. And the second time, it has broken me. It has changed some of my perspective. For example, I now hate myself. Which some people may consider strange, and they would maybe say that surely I shouldn't hate myself, but the person who did this to me? Well, I do not hate the person who has inflicted this on me for a second time. No matter what he has done to me I know that he is not a bad person, and I know that he feels bad for what he did. So no, I don't hate him. He's my best friend and I can't hate him. But I can hate myself. I look at myself and think, why shouldn't he have done that? I mean, what I am to stay faithful to? And I suppose, it's easier to think that I did something wrong, something to deserve what happened, than to think that there was no reason for it, no reason for this pain.

03 August

I'm glad you're happy. It makes one of us I suppose.

02 August

Hmm. I think I've turned into someone who isn't very nice, someone the old me would not like. I get so moody and pissed off all the time, it's so frustrating because I don't want to be like that, but I can't seem to help it. It's worst with my parents, I guess I just don't want to turn into them but that doesn't mean I can be so vicious to them. I'm worried I'm going to steadily become more and more of a bad person until, some time along the line, I will be a bitter and cruel person with no one left to care about me. I mean, I have no right to be like this. I'm trying really hard to not be so pissy with my friends but there is a couple of them, who have been kind to me, who I'm being a bitch to. I'm just trying so hard to act like normal all the time that it's making me so tired. Not saying that I'm not being myself, of course. I'm just trying to revert to myself before....well, before a lot of things. I miss the carefree happiness I had such a very short time ago. Now I can still be happy, of course, but it doesn't feel the same, because there is always an edge to my thoughts. An edge which cuts in deep sometimes. And the sad thing is I know this is my fault. If I was a stronger person I would not have this problem. If I was better at coping with the things life throws at me it would be easier to be my old self. I don't know, I just wish a lot of things hadn't happened. And I wish that I didn't do a lot of the thing I do now. But oh well, I'm sure things will get better =] I mean I've gone through the same sort of thing before, perhaps not as bad but the same situation, and I got through that. So I'll get through this. I have to, for everyone's sake because I am trying to be myself for all the people I love and care about. And because I'm trying for them, I think it will be easier. :)

01 August

Well hasn't a lot happened since my last blog, haha. I'll just say that I'm single once more, cos I don't particularly won't to go into much more detail about it, lol.

But yes, single again. Hmmm. How depressing xD.

Anyways, I'm holding up dontchano =] well, lol, trying to. I'm back into some old very bad habits but oh well, what are we going to do, lol. I think I'll be fine though. =D

Shortie short blog cos I don't know what to say without sounding like a depressing twat, lmao.

Bye byeee xD